The Art of the Poke

The Poke. What is this Facebook phenomenon and why does someone I haven’t talked to in three years keep poking me? Here’s the answer:

The poke does NOTHING. You don’t get physically poked. You don’t get $5 to make up for the time you wasted looking at it. Nothing.

POKE! There, that’s what it’s like.

Now there has to be something more to this process otherwise people simply wouldn’t do it. Oh wait, now I remember- it’s annoying. Facebook has even gone so far as give you a notification that says something like, “Hey I’m just letting you know something you honestly couldn’t care less about. Hey. Check me. Hey.” Or something like that, I never pay too close attention to it.

The other use for a poke may be even more sinister than purposefully annoying someone (which I think is an offense deserving of the death penalty…or maybe life in prison). It’s the flirty poke. Shivers. That guy you’ve “known” for a few years but only met once at a friends birthday that friended you the second you left the party and likes all your statuses. You know the guy. He’s a poker. Most definitely. He will poke you and expect you to get this message, “Hey, I thought you were really cool that one time we met. I’ve been keeping up with you on Facebook and I think that our profiles are so compatible a date between us would surely lead to everlasting happiness.”

This is an appropriate response to said situation:

Oh God, no...

For a while, this was my thought process resulting from thus poke, “What the fuck is a poke? Is this like a threat? How do I even respond to that? Do I poke back? Fuck no, because poking is stupid.” After further thought and contemplation about the meaning of this essentially useless tool I came to my conclusion that with the exception of certain people a poke is never to be responded to with another poke.

Why does Facebook have such a superfluous widget on their website? Simple. All you need to do is think about the last time your Facebook completely changed layouts to something 1000 times more complicated and your world was turned upside down. Facebook enjoys human suffering. I see no other explanation.

So next time you’re poked I say you take a stand. Follow these steps.

1)Have a facial expression similar to this guy:

2)Vow right then and there that Facebook doesn’t own you. (Screaming it loudly helps)

3) If you have a laptop, slam it shut. If you don’t…slam a door or something.

4) Take your computer, throw it out the window, and never use the internet again. Or just don’t poke them back. Whichever you prefer.

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