Just In Time!

So I’m sure most of you will be tuning into the big game today. WAHOOOO! You’re all excited about who’s going to win, how much you’ll eat, how drunk you’ll get, and what have you. Well I’ve decided that there needs to be someone like me to help the little guy out on this oh holy of football days: the non-football fan. Yes, they exist.

I’m talking about the people who haven’t watched a game all season (or maybe even never) but want to experience the fun of the Superbowl like everybody else. They’re scared because they don’t know anything about football, let alone anything about the teams playing. I, myself, happen to be one of those people. Yes, it’s true.

Don’t look at me like that. At least I can admit it. Anyway, I’ve compiled a list of things that have helped me not look super dumb while watching football games.

1) DON’T yell out words when you don’t know exactly what they mean. This will surely lead to disaster because you’re probably wrong. People will judge.

2) DO nod a lot and mumble at the screen. This doesn’t mean mumble like a crazy person. It’s more of a close mouthed noise that can be taken as positive or negative (that’s the beauty—whoever you’re talking to will choose).

3) DO pick a team. Don’t wish-wash. People hate wish-washers. Pick your team and make it seem like you would die for them.

4) DON’T say, “They’ll get the cup for sure” or “GOAL!”. Turns out these are different sports and do not apply to football.

5) DO yell when everyone else does. Try and pick up on their tone (if they’re rooting for your team). Be happy if they are, be pissed the fuck off if they are.

While I’m sure there are plenty more, these are all I can come up with (seeing how I still don’t know much myself). Use these tips and you MIGHT just be able to pull off Superbowl Sunday without looking like a complete ass.

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