Sometimes things happen that cannot be easily explained. You don’t have a box in which to put this particular slice of life.
You wonder why it happened. You can wonder all you want, for days, weeks, months, yet you’ll never find an answer because there isn’t one. And then you can ask yourself other questions in an attempt to feed your craving for an answer. “Did I create this experience? Did I make it happen?”
The answer is of course no. There are many times in your life in which you experience things that are out of your control. And that’s the goal, yeah? To take away control? Funny how sometimes a person will crave the control they lack so badly.
And when the experience is over and you’ve found no box to place it in, what do you do? This is always uncomfortable. You find yourself needing to both think about it constantly and forget it completely. What a strange sensation. Should you modify your behavior? Should you staunchly reserve the right to continue your behavior exactly as is? I suppose there’s no reasonable answer to this.
Is there an official moment when you declare “This situation is over. We don’t have to think or talk about it anymore,”? I think people would claim no such date exists, but I think otherwise. I think there will come a day when an unspoken agreement comes between the community and me that we will no longer be talking about this thing that happened, where any more discussion would be deemed too much.
I like that idea, that in a way there is a box in which I can put it. Not a box of reason, but of time. There will come a day when I say my penance has been done. I have talked of it, thought of it, dreamed of it enough. My mind can be at peace now.
Life is funny in many ways. Generally not ha-ha funny, but the other kind. The kind that makes you say “Huh…I didn’t see that coming.” Life is neither bad nor good at its base. It simply is.
[This post was originally written in the summer of 2015. It is only being posted now.]
This was originally something that felt too personal to share. Funny, since it reveals almost nothing, but to me. It felt personal and raw, yet it comes across as reserved and noncommittal to me now.
The answer to my question above is not as I had hoped. As of yet, I have found no limit to the thoughts. Discussions have lessened, though. And yes, I do think of it less now. But it hasn’t gone away. The nagging feeling of what could have been. What was so close to being. That has stayed. Perhaps 6 months is not enough time. Or perhaps this is a thought that I will carry with me forever.